i don't follow my thoughts very consciously. i don't soak them up very well, my thoughts are just loose balloons that float around in my tummy. i don't apply them. tonight i realized that i think about my first boyfriend a lot. i mean, as i'm thinking about my first boyfriend, i realize that i'm doing it, but i don't realize how it's effecting me. i just let it float. how can i make this make sense to me? it just floats, you get it, right? you get it now, but later you probably won't. anyways, first boyfriend: sometimes i act like he's watching me, and think about what he must think of me. i still want him to want me. weird? i want him to regret that he was such a meanman to me, and patch up the damage. i don't want him, no at all. i just want him to feel sorry. which leads me to this: from here on out, be so careful of who you choose to love. it will effect you for years, it will drive you crazy. you feel it now to some extent. this foolish inclination towards boys who could take or leave you, and the casting aside of boys who really think something of you. it's so stupid. you probably have the sweets for 'squishy electronic bleach head' because he lives far away, and shows little to no interest in you as a person, and you probably have the creeps for 'nervous jazz pianist' becuase he seems a little too eager to spend time with you, just because he thinks you're neat. to me i say: you're never going to get anywhere this way. you're a creep.

tonight, had a memory of the first time i heard the word 'masturbation'.

dad speaking to the idiot box which is televising a live michael jackson performance: 'he's like a walking campaign for masturbation.'