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Hollow-Holler

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2003-12-04 - 1:30 a.m.

watch out. i woke up at 10:00 today. much late for work.

i'm so sleep deprived, it's making me batty. i get really giddy and then crash. and i'll get this feeling like 'what am i anticipating?' because i feel so excited, and i mentally scan back to see what it is that i'm looking forward to, and i pull up nothing. why this unexplained girlish glee at the drop of a hat? christmas? i'm not at all excited for, other than to get gifts out to the people i love.

lily says christmas like: kiss-miss-a-miss. lindsey doesn't want anybody to correct her because she thinks it's cute, and it is. welcome to childhood, lily. you just want to be smart. you get upset when people laugh at your solemnity. two's the best of all the ages before 20, i have a good feeling that this is true.

i'm beginning to feel guilty about my last encounter with "tully". i haven't talked to him for over a week, which i can't say i'm upset about, but then why do i want to call him even though i'd rather not talk to him. i hate hurting people's feelings. when i left his house he said 'it was lovely spending time with you', and i said 'how could it have been? i sat there and knit on your couch while you asked me questions about myself.' and he acted uncomfortable at my confrontation, and i left. it's not that i don't like him, i do. he deserves much respect, but i can't give it to him. i end up feeling like the biggest meanman every time i'm around him because he's so complimentary and over-accomodating, and i can't give that back to him without him jumping all over it like some green light. i have to purposely curb my genial feelings towards a fellow as kind as he, because then he kisses on me and acts like a boyfriend. it's unfortunate that i made out with him so much before i knew him well. i can't stand the way i feel like he wants me to tell him what to do, and when he apologizes for things he shouldn't be sorry for. grow a spine, "tully". our esteeem for each other and ourselves is ravaged when we spend time together.

ali hilfiger is a saint. a SAINT!