My dream during this late nap I took has left me with the deepest, sorriest, realest guilt.

Jaman and I are in my friend Jona's apartment building, and we are running up flights and flights of stairs and we are laughing and it feels wildly peaceful and lovely. Once we reach the highest floor, we have a really fantastic make-out. While this is happening I am torn, because I know that Jaman has a girlfriend but, I don't want to stop kissing him, and it leads to illicit sex in the hall. It was awful. I cry once the deed is done, because I have met Jaman's girlfriend this summer, and she seemed very right for him and kind. I feel horrible, and selfish, and he tries to soothe me, but I can't help but wonder what part of me was able to do such a thing?

I am a person, who is very successful at making inaccessible what I don't want to think about: while unbeknowest to me, it is mounting to an ugly head. This dream is the peak, and it drove me to real tears shed on the behalf of a very real issue that I have ignored until now.

For a number of reasons I have de-humanized a real human girl, all of them selfish and irresponsible.

I am so sorry for this trespass. I want to find her address, and mail her anonymous gifts! I don't know where to place all of this remorse, as I have no means to do anything about it. One of the more frustrating aspects being that the guilt isn't mine only. And maybe it is resting on the shoulders of another as well, who knows? And would I even want it there, resting on those stooped shoulders? Probably not, it would only make greater my own sorry guilt. I hope that it is not such a big deal as I am making it now in my just roused from sleep, coffee hepped state, because this girl will no doubt be in my future-life. I don't know how i'll be able to healthily interact with her. When I am on a coffee jolt, I am unaware of my physical limitations. It is very awesome.

Tidbit: I have never had a sex dream about anybody else besides Jaman. I hate it. Get out of my dreams! (and get into my bed, sucker.)