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Hollow-Holler

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2004-02-14 - 10:59 a.m.

dear rachael,

as you may have guessed, it is me, the lonesome wanderer spoken of only in small social circles in the less affluent regions of sri lanka, well known for my controversial haikus dealing with scandals such as: unfair wages at the sara lee intimate apparel plant, steroids in the jazzercise scene, and segregated preschools. remember me?

i'm not one to mince words, so i'll come right out and speak my mind. i need fifty bucks. please. i have three illegitimate children whom i've never met, and their mother (whom i've never met either), would like to buy them all matching trucker caps. "sounds a bit lavish", you might be saying to yourself, and i can understand. when i first received her proposition via carrier pigeon, (for that is how we correspond), i thought the idea preposterous, but soon received word that the caps would be emblazoned with the words "GRANDPAS ARE DADS WITHOUT RULES", and suddenly, all my concerns melted away like the morning frost at sunrise. i am in the heart of a quandry, though, as i've used my last nickel to purchase 4 pennies, and spent the bulk of yesterday's afternoon having them pressed and stamped with images of the cast of three's company. i hope you are able to sympathize with my dire situation, seeing as together we experienced the sheer hell of investing all our money in pauly shore stock two long years ago, and were forced into bankruptcy as soon as the world realized he was void of even the smallest amount of wit and talent, and that, in actuality, he wasn't a human at all, but rather the result of a mishap during a middle school science fair.

but that is all behind us. now is the time to look towards the future. so please, if you could kindly send a check for fifty dollars i would love you for ages. to make it worth your while, i've included a brief statement concerning a deep political issue in the form of haiku (it is presently unpublished) at the bottom of this correspondence.

amigos:adieu

your comrade,

Renaldo

grownups make me

mad- because

they are soooo

uppity

and they spend all

the day

tell me to stop-

eating carbohydrates

(and i like carbo-

hydrates,

darn it,) '04

p.s. my colleagues have dubbed my work "spastic" and "riddled with calamity". but i'll let you be the judge.

happy valentine's day to me, Indeed!