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Hollow-Holler
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2004-04-13 - 1:31 p.m.
I woke up this morning from a really horrible, horrible dream. I was maybe 8 years old, and the things I remember were: sitting on a chair, and watching my cousin take his trash can out to the garage. A used condom dropped out of the trash, and it looked bloody. In my dream, I knew that it wasn't blood, but fruit punch thickened with corn starch. A part of the dream that I don't remember must have led me to that conclusion. He walked back from the garage, and as I sat there, he and his girlfriend started to have sex. I yelled and ran, my mother was in the other room and I crumpled up near her ankles and clung to them and cried and shuddered and told her that 'he just makes me so uncomfortable. he just makes me feel so awful.' And that is all I remember of the dream. But it's made me think about how uncomfortable he always did make me feel as a child. I remember it was around 8 years old, that I burst into tears in the back of my mom's car in my bathing suit, we had just gotten done swimming at the golf course with my whole family, and I couldn't tell her why, but it was because he made me so uncomfortable, my cousin. I couldn't shrug it off, I just knew that he made me feel horrible. The way that he interacted with me. I'd like to know if all children go through a stage like this, where all of the sudden not all touching feels innocent anymore. And it feels shameful to acknowledge it, or talk about it with your mom because you think that you are the one with the problem, because your child's mind tells you that touching should never be creepy! You tell yourself that you are actually the creep for perversing touch, and so you never talk about it. The dream was just so terrible. And the nightmare continued this morning when I was asked to spread my legs as wide as I could for a stranger, and remain calm as he felt around with his fingers and metal tools, and chit chat while he groped my breasts and asked me about my sex life in ways that seemed too casual, and not very clinical. I'm feeling invaded. My dreams, my day. I don't know how to shake the creeps that are coming over me.
Dark little lady.
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