2004-04-29 - 11:47 p.m.
The difference being that I was left to miss him with the rest of my kin, but now I am the leaver, and i'll have to grieve alone.
A conversation with Kodee today:
"Rach, why are you moving?"
"Because there is nothing for me here, except for you guys."
"But that is how it is with anybody."
"I don't think that's true. And if everybody stayed where they were born, it wouldn't be very interesting. We would all know the same families forever."
"What is wrong with that?"
"Nothing I guess, Kodee."
He hugs me a lot, and he looks at me and his eyes get red and tear. He's so sensitive, with the pretense of tough that comes out when he is near his father.
This is a mess. I was telling myself: "Rachael, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Snap out, man!" and now I am a weeping heap again. Kodee's just going to get older and more like his father, and i'm not even going to know him anymore. The need to just KNOW these people that I share my blood with is so driving. I'm trying to type the words "I can't let it dominate me, though." in earnest, and I can't.
I want to pull a load of clean dresses out of the dryer and lay them in heaps on the floor of my parents bedroom. I want to fall asleep in them, and never face any of this. I want to run to my sister's house right now and tell her: "I am staying!" and we'll both be so blissfully relieved that neither of us has to deal with the absence of the other, and I just want to stay in that feeling for a really long time until we both decide to go get some coffee and play with the kids at the park.
I have never done anything this difficult since the death of Charlie. Which is something altogether hard, I thought the other day when I looked at the corner underneath the shade tree where Charlie's bones are buried. I've always taken comfort in the presence of his bones, and now that will be gone too. How did I ever become so unhealthily dependant on things as this? I shed tears on behalf of the couch that I gave to a friend of a friend a week ago. He knew how important that couch was to my heart, and I think that he understands it's charm, so it's comforting that she will be loved. But to know that it will be away from me forever is taxing. And I don't even want to start thinking about Packy. My dad assures me that she'll be towed after I am gone. The thought makes me sad until i'm sick.
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