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Hollow-Holler

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2004-05-20 - 12:16 a.m.

Merging on the freeway this evening, I indulged in death phantasmagorias. Not really the death event, but the aftermath of the dying. The way that I thought of it, was the way that I know I think when I want attention. In early grade school, it was common for me to day dream of vomiting or fainting in front of the class. I would imagine them all clucking over me, and feeling sorry for me. But I would have literally died had any of those displays actually taken place in front of my entire class, and it's also a fact that I shun a real pity quite heartily.

Right now my father would tell me that I am cruising for negative attention. But negative attention is satisfying in the way that it's instant. There's a quick reaction, or recognition of your presence. It's also very, very childish and rooted in faulty principles.

I miss my family. It's very easy for me to become stricken with loneliness. I thought tonight that maybe I wanted a boyfriend, but then I realized that I only feel that because I want somebody who is constant, and relies on me in the same way that I rely on them. I don't really want a boyfriend, I just want a pet, I think.

I've been thinking a lot lately of getting a fish like when I was a girl. I think that I am responsible enough now, to clean the tank when it gets dirty.

slimy and grimy