Blood Musk

2005-02-24 - 3:34 p.m.

When I think of a person that I might marry, I always just figure on a really normal dude. I don't envision him being particularly passionate about any one thing, or having a very strong personality, or outstanding talents. It's never been a conscious pondering, who I will marry, but this is just what I assume will happen. I don't think that it's what I want really, but it's what i've prematurely resigned myself to. When I once said this to Rebecca, she said that she imagined me settling down with a cool guy who is a Mayor.
And I was thinking about how sad this is last night. I wouldn't say that I am the most desperate underachiever I know, but I am. A desperate underachiever. Or rather it's that I don't agree with the notion that I deserve really good things to happen to me. And any feelings of entitlement I ever do have, are married and bickering with the guilt of having them.
And yesterday I realized that I am honestly, and very un-romantically, ashamed of the logistics of being a human being. It's hard for me to talk about, because I don't understand it yet.

I'm upsetting myself.