Blood Musk

2005-03-08 - 11:21 a.m.

Basically, this is how I feel. I decided this week that I was going to make a concerted effort to live in Portland and say hello to my surroundings. But I can't get rid of the feeling that something's going to turn on it's head and i'm going to want to leave. I think I need to make peace with the idea that I'm 90% reclusive. The problem is that dwelling in that 90% debilitates me during that 10%. (When I want to be a party.)
I'd also like to stop beating myself up over things, like things that I say and do. The only way i've found to cure the social antsies and regrets, is to leave it lone completely. I really think I can come to terms with the fact that some people are like this, and I am like this. And I am OK with being like this, because I really am happiest by myself, or in the company of a trusted few. But I am probably happiest on my own because i'm not feeling judged on, which brings me back to the crippling insecurity, which I don't believe is something I should accept about myself.

I don't know, Dukes.