2005-07-06 - 10:47 p.m.
I wrote the behaviour in my paper journal- "my first instinct was to lick my wrist , and I was rapid to assure myself that nobody heard me."
I read over most of my journal last night, and discovered this is a phrase, in varying styles, that I have used no less than 4 times in the past year.
This action feels in execution, to be in the feline spirit of wound-soothing. But in retrospectual context I view it as an opressive gesture, like some mother's hand mooshing cracker in my mouth because I've asked for explanations.
Today I have been aware of how self-censoring I can be, almost especially when I'm alone. The Guide for Parents says that I imagine my friends are around me at all times, this includes home-life, and when I act out it's to impress my invisibly present friends.
All I want is to the resilience necessary to be unabashed.