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Hollow-Holler

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October 24, 2005 - 9:19

My family has come, now they're gone.
Five hours of Sunday were spent in the Clackamas Mall, while my mom had her mildly groaning brakes repaired at a Sears. My Grandma refused to leave this town until they were fixed.
Similar to being stuck in an airport, there is liberation in knowing that you have to squander a set amount of time in one place. You do what you have to do to survive, and for us that day it was fuck this whole place, with our disrespect to your personal space. Like dancing a little, and loudly joking.
Lindsey and I shared a moment, where we both forgot where we were for up to 40 seconds. Mall's are disorienting; especially in unfamiliar suburbs, in the company of your visiting family. You could be on vacation anywhere. "Spokane? How far are we from Spokane?" There was the same courtyard there.
Noah and I split off. He has, like when I was his age, a patronizing air about him that gets him trouble. A middle-aged man told him "I WILL call security on you." when he sidled up to a banister, looking like he would slide it. Noah stared at him blankly until he retreated. He would hug himself every so often, because he was "wearing a cardigan". When I told him that he looked like Morrissey, he turned out a spot-on "rose in hand" dance impression that I didn't even know he had a reference to. I was about Noah's age when I found out that I had control of my body's movements, too. I listened to his Pod player while we were there at the mall, and remembered that he is in a place that none of us are in anymore. I remember feeling that way, what his mix dictated. Passionate dispassion. And like a baby, but older.
Kodee is nine, saying he is ten. He's too grown, in ways that make me uneasy. Somehow savvy enough to facilitate an ongoing joke about ordering a breast-milk latte, with a touch of almond. Wearing "vintage wranglers" also, "my mom said that I can wear girl's jeans, because they are tighter." an autographed Pedro the Lion t-shirt. Hailing Low. Telling me I look like Bjork on the cover of Homogenic, just to say it. His esteem issues seem heavy to me- although if they have to manifest themselves somehow, I suppose that being frantically hip is preferrable to bullying other kids, or something. He's ashamed of his sensitivity. It's still present, but waning.
Sophia(1 or 2 yrs?) is a total bruiser who refuses to walk. She is crazy charismatic, and grits her teeth.
Whan Lily was nipped by a bird at the zoo, she was understandably shaken. Later that night, the memory returned and she broke down very suddenly. She also expressed to me her remorse that I had ridden a simulated thrill ride at the zoo that day, which she had found to be totally frightening. She often cries without making noise, and isolates herself when she does this. Her disposition is actually remarkable- she rarely departs from gentleness, and she has an astute tenderness that gives her an air of wisdom at four years.
Just before they left, I did the suicidal symptom, where I told them to go into my bedroom and take everything that they wanted. Lindsey is the only one who did, though. She took some feathered wings, and a dress, and a lamb I had knit, and a hat, and some shoes.
It's not that I will kill myself, but I want to be allowed to help them in ways that I can. My sister especially, who refuses my advances. I'm tired of taking from them. I want that to be done, as I am older now, and not a barnacle.

I should be allowed to help.