December 24, 2005 - 2:17
It feels weird, how quietly I align myself with the specific type of malaise I felt during the time that I lived here, before I moved. Like a dress I kept suspended in the stair well closet, for me to wear while I'm here.
This is the first time that I am viewing my surroundings objectively, almost like a stranger. I am noticing things I'd never notice before, like "Is that a vegetable brush Dad uses to clean his body in the shower?", "why does this house smell funny?" and "why is everything in this house green?". Keep in mind, I'm not complaining. It's just strange that these things are no longer taken in stride.
Tomorrow will be better. I will have to look at this as vacation, not homecoming.
Seeing kids, that's nice. Josie has abandoned "Wonderluck" to form "Music Pumpkins", another unprompted band name. This band makes songs, unlike the mostly conceptual Wonderluck. Without prodding, she will look at something, and want to write a song about it. All lyrics by Josephine, 3 yrs.
"I love you. I don't know where you are. I would like to go to the park with you. It would be fun. Music Pumpkins. Music Pumpkins." paraphrased accurately from memory.
"Zebras like to visit dogs. Zebras like to visit people who are near." is another good line.
I listened to Lily while she threw up in the bathroom, and she said in between heaves "I'm scared." It made my heart bleed, and my uterus, the organs that might propel me to do anything to keep the wee one from fear and vomit. It's rough. I've practically forgetten how it is to feel almost senselessly entangled in the welfare of your kin.
It's still there, but put in a perspective that physical distance can offer.