February 28, 2006 - 1:43
This last week's been a little unkind, some difficulties compounded by the fact that I haven't felt lucid enough to understand my upsets. It was strange. I've experienced the depressive side effects of forgetfulness, and incoherency; and while this was in that genus, it was another sort of animal.
To begin with, I had been having feelings of compression in my brain, and a bleary state that I could best describe as soda water stewing in my skull. This is bearable, and not totally foreign to me; but from that state, it would take only something very trifling to send me into an addled interlude. I would spend extended moments trying to reconnect with my thoughts, but only lapsing into confused reflex. During these moments, I wasn't thinking, I was only feeling. I don't like the way that sounds, but it's all I can think to say. It was happening off and on, but hasn't for a few days now.
To give a depiction: at one point during one of these moments, I was being physically joked with. Rough-housed. During this interaction, I couldn't say anything, but my heart raced, and I was genuinely terrified. Like I was an animal looking for a place to run, if I had to.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I also felt reasonless love feelings; mentally muted, but animally acute. All I could do when this happened was cry; feeling racked, and not able to confine this concentrated, fervent throe with any words.
And in the middle there is a state of numb frustration, where I am trying to communicate with somebody, but am not able to sap anything from my brain.
It's all very confusing. I mean, is this what it would be like to have a legitimate brain malfunction?
I don't want it to happen again.