April 21, 2006 - 10:20
Lately i've felt hard, like I don't need anything. But actually I feel a gape, and an abstracted, frustrated desire to love people. Man I want to love people, but forgive me when I say that I find people generally hard to love. I know, but please take into account my core, which is unfailing insecurity. It takes the wind from the sails of my god-given graciousness. And I do love people, anyways. I love some people so much, in this I'm confident.
But sometimes I wonder if I'm nothing other than a sounding post. In my lower moments I believe that's my purpose and what I'm here to offer. No other suppositions surface. I feel plainly servicable, but practically valueless. I hope it will pass. I hope I will become charming and talented soon.
But I level with the idea that maybe I've just been stupid all along. I don't want to believe this, but.
Whatever the case, this is your current adult mental status. Not only have I not improved, but I've actually deteriorated. Into what sometimes feels like a shake of senility and permanent drowsiness. I don't quite know what to do.
And, maybe I shouldn't feel so bad, comparing myself to others who love readily. Maybe it is just a matter of semantics- the way we drop the word love. Or just how far we are willing to go to make acquaintances feel loved, even if love isn't what we actually have for them. I'm sure i've done it before; attemps to save face frolicking as common good-will towards men. I feel like a bad person, with no interesting qualifiers to make me worth it.
Just a bad person.