April 24, 2006 - 11:04
I've been thinking about you during the day too much lately. I wonder how you're doing.
I hear you're married now, and it's really too bad that I wasn't there. I thought about sending you a congratulatory e-mail, though I'm not happy for you necessarily.
The mental rough draft follows:
"Dear E (& H, if I were feeling gracious),
I'm aware this may not be warmly received; but I heard you two were married, and I just wanted to say "Congrats!"; and I'm sorry that as the situation stands, it wouldn't have been right for me to show. I miss you, and sincerely miss you. The other day I recalled, that during the months where we were spending all of our time together, I day-dreamed about being in your imaginary wedding party. Honorary "best man". I actually thought that! But I bet that H looked pretty, and did something fancy with her eye makeup like she does. It was, I think, the singular trait that I admired about her, if you don't mind my cattiness for a moment. But, I'm going to wish you the best of luck now. Everybody agrees that you'll need it.
Love you,
Rachael."
E, it's almost ridiculous the way that I venerate the memory of our friendship. I don't miss people, but I miss you. And if I have to feel at peace with the way things ended up; I say that I suppose it's in keeping with the heady nature of our flash in the pan friendship for it to be abruptly called-off. I just wish I'd had a say, and it's a shame that you'll remember me as less than what I really was. And with all due respect, I'm not sure how long we could have remained friends anyways, with the way she was turning you.
Indulge my rememberances:
-Meeting daily for our two 15 mins.
-Dressing up just to sit around in your stupid apt. (do you know, I meant to type studio apt., but I'll keep it.)
-Talking about books, you know I haven't done that since?
-Sleeping over platonically, always very platonically
-Waiting for you to come home during that brief period that we were roommates, excited to show you my made-up face, or a new blouse. You always approved.
-making you a pie, and having you not want it.
-Shopping for records, often buying one cold, per your word and nothing else.
You laughed at me more than anybody does. You thought I was funny, and I guess that's what I miss most. I always felt I had something to offer you, felt confident that I was invaluable. You know. It's been recorded more than once that I, Rachael, would have eventually asked for your hand had I been attracted to you physically.
I just want you to know that I was never playing around.