Blood Musk

December 04, 2006 - 12:34

Since I was a baby, until I was too old (maybe 7), I sucked my thumb while cosseting a piece of satin named "mimi". This behavior represents two urges that have sustained themselves throughout my life (oral and textile fixations), and are surfacing even more in the last month. I wonder, have these impulses remained because they remind me of my childhood, or are these urges inborn and life-long? Not that it changes anything to know, but a person wonders.
Went to the Goodwill this morning, and there is nothing like seeing an impoverished young family scraping together Christmas to put me in the holiday mood. We were so poor.
I am so poor. So many people to give to, and inopportunely, I feel creatively bankrupt. No frugal inspiration at all.
Having overwhelming feelings of not being wanted. Don't feel like I have a home or friends. Feel met with indifference on all fronts.
Bought a violin book in hopes that I could learn to play it well, but extended excercises of any kind leave my wrist immobile and not wanting to lie flat but persuaded into a crippled twist. I don't know why my wrist still hurts so much at times. It makes me feel aged because I know what they mean about feeling the weather in your bones.