May 07, 2008 - 10:53
One problem I was made aware of in high school, was slipping out of tenses. Notes pengraved in the margins- �Are we in the present or the past?� This isn�t a problem for me, 1. Does it matter, arguably very much, but 2. Shouldn't something be written in the way it's thought, arguably no. But it�s not clear.
I had a 2nd session of acupuncture last evening, wherein a dream I had recorded weeks ago was loosely mocked.
The dream�s account followed something close to: �Last night a woman named Charlene was being massaged. When the masseuse made his way to her belly, it burned his hands.�
Understand, it was a stick marking the point of a diamond above my navel that provoked a bodily yelp, as if the sound had not been approved by my brain but born of esophogal command. I entreated removal, it was too sharp and disproportionately buried, too hot. Though the roles in life and the dream are osmotic, I suppose. W.
I linger on the psychology of going home.
The aspects that battle: Well, it feels very good to be whole-heartedly taken in, to be so effusively praised even though they know me so well, to have these people think I am beautiful, and tell me so.
The wrong voice says in response: But why does it feel good. You are over-starved for outside affirmation. You are an adult, and should be your own steward.
The more depraved, ever-present voice says: likewise, you don�t deserve it.
But my sister said, and I try not to forget:
�Think about how you feel about me. That is exactly how I feel about you.�
And I try not to forget my spontaneous response: instantly sobbing. Clearly, this was a relieved response to a tension I had minimized. And likely, this is the kind of human relationship I need to survive�but before this I need to understand that it is also owed to me. And this thought, though simple, has always left me face crushed on something hard and unmoving.
A piece of logic: Like them, I know little restraint under the influence of genuine affection. I have a bred desire to bolster, that I have at times selectively denied in favor of not dissolving. This must have its repercussions.
"We just don't deal well with that."