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Hollow-Holler

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February 15, 2012 - 12:06

In not too distant years, a nap in any location that wasn't my bed was the ultimate refreshment. Sleeping briefly, either deeply or semi-lucidly on the ground, in a car, on somebody's couch, and oh,oh, especially while people were talking or a television was on...that was like a nectar bath, a kiss on the head from the gods.
I believe I trained myself out of it after it seemed that the adults I spent my time with didn't approve, but I think I am going to start taking more cat naps again; not in my own bed, but maybe just on my own couch. Adult compromises. This feels like a good idea I guess.

Today has been difficult.
There is a disturbing distance from myself that I have been made acutely aware of by attempts at regular meditation for the first time in years. Three days in a row, twice daily, and it's as if I can't stand to retreat inward. My brain chatters, and I crave stimulus as strongly as I would hunger for food. I have a very clear sense that my unconscious mind is desperately avoiding a confrontation with something monolithic.

It's been so long since I've felt like me that I'm afraid that I've forgotten what it feels like. I keep visualizing that I am a kite adrift, and yet also the one clutching the spool,

tightly.