February 18, 2012 - 1:18
A girl who hadn't seen me for three years saw me three nights ago. She told me that she heard about my mother, there were tears in her eyes and she told me that she was so sorry. It was strange then how quickly I became enveloped in the yawning horror of her absence, as if it had just happened. Sort of numb I said, oh it's fine.
I left that interaction thinking that if I were in her position, I would have never said that; but my overwhelming reaction has left me in a state of reassessing my current feelings, and realizing that I have been somewhat unconsciously shaming myself for still feeling "in grief". Or feeling embarrassed at times if I feel like I am talking about her too much, because I don't want anybody to worry that I am not dealing with it well. And sometimes I forget that she is even dead, especially in the morning.
I am sure, anyways I hope, that these feelings are normal. I was advised to seek grief counseling immediately after the accident, and I was really opposed to the idea. I survived on the notion that everybody's parents die, it was the cycle of life, and psychologically I must have always been prepared for this in some way. But it's strange because the more time passes, the more I think that I do want to sort some things out, with "help".
But maybe that isn't strange.