i asked david 'so, i heard that jaman's engaged?' david could neither confirm or deny this, but said that 'it was starting to shape up that way with this new girl.'

i wanted to cry. not because i'm still in love with him, but because it made me feel inadequate and jealous. david asks me 'have you dated anyone else?' and i say 'no.' we talked for about an hour on an array of topics, and then i went home to muse.

why haven't i dated anyone else? it's been 9 months, and i've had several encounters with fellows, but the words that come to mind in regards to these are: regrettable, shallow, overwhelming, unrealistic.

i rarely let it concern me, but i've never been single for this long. jaman and i's relationship was conceived in high school, so i always thought that convenience was a large factor in it's birth, and that the feelings i had for him would be easy enough to conjure up towards nearly any guy should the inclination be there. but it's a lie. i've felt nowhere near the potency of jaman, even when conscious effort was made on my part. it makes me sad that i didn't realize this while we were still together. i probably took him for granted at times.

we all practiced tonight for the show tomorrow. noah hung out in the studio while we played, and he recorded his first song on the computer with a guitar and midi-keyboard. it was really good! i'm so proud of him. every last one of my brothers is so talented.

afterwards i should have found steve, but i told myself it was either that, or hang out at perkins with myself, 'kesey's garage sale', a muffin, and bottomless soda. i chose the latter because i'm a big jeep-head who doesn't want to energize a relationship with anybody but herself at the moment.