October 19, 2006 - 2:32
Things I need to do before I go:
Priority 1: Clean hellacious room in order that Sam not suicide herself, or more reasonably, ask to be refunded her subletters money.
Help make EP and covers. Find photos.
Screenprint.
Locate my birth certificate, or have Mom mail me the 2nd copy if it comes to that.
Repair my clothes. Somehow, everything I own has holes and rips. This won't do.
Lots of laundry.
This morning I rode my bike to work in the driving rain, wearing a wool coat, wool hat. My wish is for them to send me home for smelling too strongly.
Today I obsessively look at photographs. I don't know them, but I almost hate them. Understanding that I can't do anything more than I already do, and knowing that all they have to do is exist and get what it is that I want. I imagine they'd lord it over me.
I have to wonder why I continually approach this lectern of latent rejection, and I know it's because I'm nothing more than a common masochist.
Nothing about that could have made sense.
But I've felt like a little girl, not because i've shrunk, which I have. But, just strangely -less. There were illusions of being impelling, but now I just wonder where I ever got off.
But I won't deny that I can be a trifling charm, I know I can. And somebody of average _______ might receive me like a treat.
That there is something greater to be got, and I can never offer it.